Guidelines for Effective Family Communication

This week my freebie write is on guidelines for effective communication in families.  There are four main steps to proceed with having clear communication.  The first is maintaining equity which incorporates the social exchange theory.  This involves looking at relationships in families as negatives and positives and weighing costs vs. benefits.  As the book says this may sound cold but it in essence means try to be fair with your family.  The second step is to make daily choices to enhance intimacy with the family.  This could include having a game night or utilizing any other creative ideas to help the family spend time together and bond.  The third step is showing respect and consideration for members of the family.  This is essential when working through problems.  The fourth step is not to sweat the small stuff, meaning don’t let little things that are molehills become mountains.  Accepting one another as is is important and gives us good practice for relationships we will be in later on in life.

An Ever Evolving Idea of Marriage

Over the next 50 years, I think that the need for marriage will become completely obsolete in terms of emotional needs and utilized more for financial breaks.  I think that due to the waning economy, there will be a need for 2 working parents if anyone wants to have a family at all which leaves less time to spend with the children.  The fact that women are able to hold down jobs with higher wages allows more independent and empowered attitudes in relationships (and overall) today which has led to them to want to settle down in a relationship later on in life.  I also would predict that established biological family sizes will decrease the number of children it produces due to couple’s later starts in life, more accepted autonomy in relationships due to more acceptance of individuality, and higher costs of child rearing.  Lastly, I believe that relationship goals will focus more on companionship and emotional support in marriages rather than the assumed goal of raising a family.  More couples today are attempting to find life companions that enjoy similar interests and the acceptance of non-child rearing relationships has never been higher. 

Definitions of Family

When I think of my definition of family, I do not think of family as being something purely biological.  Many people think of family as being something related and that’s even how the word “family” is used in scientific terms, as something similar…  That’s one way to see it but I think a family is best defined as a group of people that have trust, respect, loyalty, and commitment to one another.  My mind places no limitations or restrictions on what a family can be…  I think the major things that family members do is support one another, build one another up and look out for and protect each other.  The types of relationships that really don’t fit into my definition of “family” include passive-congenial, devitalized, and conflict-habituated marriage types.  I write this as passive-congenial marriage lacks the building up of one another but they do protect and support (in this case would be financial, not emotional).  Devitalized marriage has less support and no building up of one another and offers no protection of the members.  Lastly, conflict-habituated marriage offers none of the three aspects that I believe belong to participating in a family.

Guidelines for Communicating in Romantic Relationships

The free write topic that most intrigued me this week was the “Guidelines for Communicating in Romantic Relationships.”  There were four guidelines that Chapter 11 offered including: engraining in dual perspective, practicing safe sex, managing conflict constructively, and adapting communication to maintain long distance relationships.  This section caught my eye for several reasons, mainly the safe sex and constructive conflict sections.  The statistics the book provides regarding safe sex are staggering, including: “One in two sexually active youths will contract an STD by age 25 (pg. 288),” and “One in five people with HIV do not know they have it (pg. 289).”  I know many people that have STDs and like the book suggests, many have acquired them while intoxicated under impaired judgment.  It is very hard seeing what they go through and what they have put their partners through by infecting them.

The constructive conflict management section hit a note for me as well with the statement about how relationships are fragile.  Sometimes you say make a demeaning remark to your partner that you don’t think is a big deal but it could shatter their composure instantly.  Trying to remain patient, using dual perspective, and listening is soooo hard sometimes but it makes it worthwhile when you can better create an environment where you can appreciate your partner and the relationship because you know it is solid, understanding, and safe for both of you to trust and be yourselves.

Commitment and Love

The last relationship I found myself in involved both love and commitment on my side, while my partner held love but lacked commitment on his side.  Our relationship held many fun times and we would talk about our future together which strengthened my commitment as he was the one who would often bring up these talks.  I think in order for commitment to last, both partners need to be moving in the same direction in life and although we both held similar goals, we were on two completely different playing fields.  I wanted to start settling and he still wanted to party so that was the end of that…

Although not ideal for me personally, I do not think relationships that have commitment but not love are bad.  Oftentimes arranged marriages or pragma type love from online dating websites are beginnings to these types of relationships.  I think that once a couple can decide on a solid foundation, love and respect can grow from there.  The strong completely practical base lacks appeal to me however as I require passion and intimacy from a partner prior to building a practical life in the future together.

Online Deception and an Inquiry of What's Ethical?

I think that the question of whether it is ethical for people to represent themselves accurately online depends on the online community they are representing themselves in.  For example, I think that it is less ethical to misrepresent yourself incorrectly in online dating forums because relationships are based on trust and the fact that someone is lying on the initial advertising of themselves to possible partners is a red flag in honesty.  If someone in contrast, lied about themselves on Facebook, most of the people are not intensely viewing the profiles with vested interest so it would not be as bad of an ethical offense in my opinion.

As far as deception is concerned, I think that people are equally deceptive in online forums as in face to face contact.  For example, I think that both vicinities would include deception of misinterpretations of financial assets, personal short comings, relationship history, basic information, and initial intentions of the relationship.

The Development of Friendship

The idea that really grabbed my attention out of the reading this week was the section discussing the development of friendship.  According to the reading, there are 6 diagnoses of friendship: role limited interactions, friendly relations, moving toward friendships, nascent friendships, stabilized friendships, and waning friendships.  I was actually kind of sad to see that I really only have a few relationships I consider stabilized with the majority falling into the moving towards friendship category.  I have been thinking about this and I feel like it is not because I have not had opportunities to have more stabilized friendships but rather my limited time available to those stabilized friendships that I already have.  I have two best friends that I spend the majority of my time with and until school ends, I do not foresee many opportunities to get to know more people.  I really enjoy meeting new people and mingling in social situations so I look forward to graduating and being able to have enough time to go out and be social again.  Although it was a somber realization, it really makes me appreciate those stabilized friends I do have.  Personally, I would rather have 5 stabilized friends than 1,000 moving towards relationship friends.

My Best Friend Dynamics

My best friend Barbie and I have been through many ups and downs together. There were times where our friendship was so strained that it almost snapped twice…  We have been best friends for almost 10 years now and we have invested a lot of time crying, laughing, and loving one another completely unconditionally.  I once told her after she went through a bad breakup that although he was her heart and it was now broken, I would always be her lungs and I would help get her through that horrible time.  Going through so many happy, heartbroken, and challenging times has allowed us to grow together and trust one another.  We have also hurt one another- sometimes intentionally but mostly unintentionally.  These challenging times allowed us to grow together because giving one another grace allowed us to begin to trust one another again and realize that we should not let little things ruin the beautiful relationship we have.  I think that the dynamics of our friendship are absolutely consistent with those identified by researchers in this chapter.  She tells me when I am messing up and her calling me out really grants huge amounts of respect from me.  I can honestly say that she is the most honest, caring, and supportive person in my life and I will forever love her unconditionally.  Forget best friends forever, she is my sister for life!

The Friendship Page and the Friendship Chapter

Many of the issues provided in the advice forum reflect not only pressures on friendships but also cover the fundamentals of relationships.  Some of the challenges on the prompt website include acceptance of sexual orientation, dealing with friendship dilemmas and arguments, dealing with feelings you may have developed for a friend you have, and making and keeping friends.  The book has very helpful guidance and information regarding understanding feelings of acceptance, trust, and support as well as understanding the different stages of friendships and how to identify what stages a friend may currently stand with you in a relationship.  Reading the section dealing with internal and external pressures could also provide guidance to those dealing with understanding what one could do to be a better friend (in the internal section) with my favorites being communicating honestly and engaging in dual perspective, as well as identifying what external factors to be aware of that could impact your friendships including competing demands, personal changes, and geographic distance.