Dealing with Disagreement

I once found myself in metacommunication with a boyfriend in regards to a conversation in which he told a friend on the phone in front of me that he was hanging out with his mom the rest of the day when he actually was planning on spending the day with me.  When I asked him about the discrepancy, he told me that he had felt it necessary to tell him that so that his friend didn’t feel like he didn’t want to spend time with him, but rather that he lead his friend to believe that he had previous family obligations.  I told him that no matter what, either his friend or I was going to be hurt by this kind of dishonesty in the end.  I explained that I felt that the fact that he couldn’t be honest with his friends about hanging out with me downplayed our relationship.  I now see that I felt discredited in his eyes in comparison to his friends; either that I was not good enough for them or that maybe he didn’t like me enough to “own” me in front of them.

                I think that the initial way my boyfriend at the time responded was not bad.  He used I-Language and he eventually did admit that he was sheltering his friend from the loss of time he chose to spend with me.  The fact that he responded with I-Language allowed me to lower my defenses and take the risk of explaining how I felt, which led us to understand one another’s point of views better.  This experience also revealed to him my need for absolute honesty, even from “white” lies.  Looking back from my perspective, I see that the strategy he utilized was what injured me in his conversation with his friend.