Concepts Requiring Further Discussion

The one thing that I feel the book could have expanded on would be interpersonal construction of individuals affected from emotional or physical abuse and more disability coverage. I think the book did a great job of representing the communication of gender, gay, and race communication but I feel like it is important to cover abused individuals and ability-impaired people because I feel like these categories are often left out in textbooks but they are huge categories of people within our society who are chronically overlooked.

       Another group that I feel would have been beneficial to write about are the people who have given up on life; either in a suicidal manner or those nearing death for other reasons but choice.  I feel like this would have been extremely beneficial to write about because I feel like everyone at the college age has had contact with at least one person who has passed due to one of the above reasons.  I feel like knowing how to understand both what they may be going through and also better expect what emotions you may be dealing with will better preserve the relationship which could save a life or make a passing more peaceful.

Feedback on COMM 10 Course This Semester

My favorite thing about the class was the book. It seemed like the readings each week were directly applicable to whatever was occurring at the time in my life. The style it was written in makes it very easy to read and follow along with and relate to. It addressed all aspects of relationships including: aspects such as discovery of self, attachment styles, the different stages of friendships, recurrent tensions that may happen and possible ways to address them, the different stages of romantic relationships, the different stages of families, etc.

My least favorite thing about this class was the absence of a direct study guide for the testing. I feel like there were general definitions provided to review but I do not feel like they were always applicable to the testing as there were dates and names that were not included but randomly thrown in. As I stated above, I really enjoyed the readings and I studied the provided suggestions but I got a C on the first test and was absolutely devastated. The fact the final has nothing provided for testing worries me greatly.

I think the only thing that the class would need improvement on would be the study guide issue. I felt like the teacher and materials were great but I feel like the testing was sometimes not relevant to the important points of the chapter.

What I Have Learned Over the Course of the Semester

Over the course of the semester, I have learned many things about myself that I feel have really empowered me in my confidence in how far I have come within my range of communication.  For example, the discussion of the discovery and process of creating the “self” was extremely helpful in identifying my communication attachment styles and how they have evolved from when I was a child to being an adult today (I switched from an anxious ambivalent attachment style to a secure attachment style).  Another thing that comforted me was the discussion of relational dialectics.  When we read that chapter, I was going through some stuff in a personal relationship and I was considering ending the relationship due to the recurrent tensions occurring.  This section squelched those fears as I realized that the tensions occurring were natural and will be everlasting.  I have learned more about myself in this class than any other course I have taken in my college career; so much so that I a planning on purchasing the book at the end of the semester as I had only rented it.

Guidelines for Effective Family Communication

This week my freebie write is on guidelines for effective communication in families.  There are four main steps to proceed with having clear communication.  The first is maintaining equity which incorporates the social exchange theory.  This involves looking at relationships in families as negatives and positives and weighing costs vs. benefits.  As the book says this may sound cold but it in essence means try to be fair with your family.  The second step is to make daily choices to enhance intimacy with the family.  This could include having a game night or utilizing any other creative ideas to help the family spend time together and bond.  The third step is showing respect and consideration for members of the family.  This is essential when working through problems.  The fourth step is not to sweat the small stuff, meaning don’t let little things that are molehills become mountains.  Accepting one another as is is important and gives us good practice for relationships we will be in later on in life.

An Ever Evolving Idea of Marriage

Over the next 50 years, I think that the need for marriage will become completely obsolete in terms of emotional needs and utilized more for financial breaks.  I think that due to the waning economy, there will be a need for 2 working parents if anyone wants to have a family at all which leaves less time to spend with the children.  The fact that women are able to hold down jobs with higher wages allows more independent and empowered attitudes in relationships (and overall) today which has led to them to want to settle down in a relationship later on in life.  I also would predict that established biological family sizes will decrease the number of children it produces due to couple’s later starts in life, more accepted autonomy in relationships due to more acceptance of individuality, and higher costs of child rearing.  Lastly, I believe that relationship goals will focus more on companionship and emotional support in marriages rather than the assumed goal of raising a family.  More couples today are attempting to find life companions that enjoy similar interests and the acceptance of non-child rearing relationships has never been higher. 

Definitions of Family

When I think of my definition of family, I do not think of family as being something purely biological.  Many people think of family as being something related and that’s even how the word “family” is used in scientific terms, as something similar…  That’s one way to see it but I think a family is best defined as a group of people that have trust, respect, loyalty, and commitment to one another.  My mind places no limitations or restrictions on what a family can be…  I think the major things that family members do is support one another, build one another up and look out for and protect each other.  The types of relationships that really don’t fit into my definition of “family” include passive-congenial, devitalized, and conflict-habituated marriage types.  I write this as passive-congenial marriage lacks the building up of one another but they do protect and support (in this case would be financial, not emotional).  Devitalized marriage has less support and no building up of one another and offers no protection of the members.  Lastly, conflict-habituated marriage offers none of the three aspects that I believe belong to participating in a family.

Guidelines for Communicating in Romantic Relationships

The free write topic that most intrigued me this week was the “Guidelines for Communicating in Romantic Relationships.”  There were four guidelines that Chapter 11 offered including: engraining in dual perspective, practicing safe sex, managing conflict constructively, and adapting communication to maintain long distance relationships.  This section caught my eye for several reasons, mainly the safe sex and constructive conflict sections.  The statistics the book provides regarding safe sex are staggering, including: “One in two sexually active youths will contract an STD by age 25 (pg. 288),” and “One in five people with HIV do not know they have it (pg. 289).”  I know many people that have STDs and like the book suggests, many have acquired them while intoxicated under impaired judgment.  It is very hard seeing what they go through and what they have put their partners through by infecting them.

The constructive conflict management section hit a note for me as well with the statement about how relationships are fragile.  Sometimes you say make a demeaning remark to your partner that you don’t think is a big deal but it could shatter their composure instantly.  Trying to remain patient, using dual perspective, and listening is soooo hard sometimes but it makes it worthwhile when you can better create an environment where you can appreciate your partner and the relationship because you know it is solid, understanding, and safe for both of you to trust and be yourselves.

Commitment and Love

The last relationship I found myself in involved both love and commitment on my side, while my partner held love but lacked commitment on his side.  Our relationship held many fun times and we would talk about our future together which strengthened my commitment as he was the one who would often bring up these talks.  I think in order for commitment to last, both partners need to be moving in the same direction in life and although we both held similar goals, we were on two completely different playing fields.  I wanted to start settling and he still wanted to party so that was the end of that…

Although not ideal for me personally, I do not think relationships that have commitment but not love are bad.  Oftentimes arranged marriages or pragma type love from online dating websites are beginnings to these types of relationships.  I think that once a couple can decide on a solid foundation, love and respect can grow from there.  The strong completely practical base lacks appeal to me however as I require passion and intimacy from a partner prior to building a practical life in the future together.

Online Deception and an Inquiry of What's Ethical?

I think that the question of whether it is ethical for people to represent themselves accurately online depends on the online community they are representing themselves in.  For example, I think that it is less ethical to misrepresent yourself incorrectly in online dating forums because relationships are based on trust and the fact that someone is lying on the initial advertising of themselves to possible partners is a red flag in honesty.  If someone in contrast, lied about themselves on Facebook, most of the people are not intensely viewing the profiles with vested interest so it would not be as bad of an ethical offense in my opinion.

As far as deception is concerned, I think that people are equally deceptive in online forums as in face to face contact.  For example, I think that both vicinities would include deception of misinterpretations of financial assets, personal short comings, relationship history, basic information, and initial intentions of the relationship.

The Development of Friendship

The idea that really grabbed my attention out of the reading this week was the section discussing the development of friendship.  According to the reading, there are 6 diagnoses of friendship: role limited interactions, friendly relations, moving toward friendships, nascent friendships, stabilized friendships, and waning friendships.  I was actually kind of sad to see that I really only have a few relationships I consider stabilized with the majority falling into the moving towards friendship category.  I have been thinking about this and I feel like it is not because I have not had opportunities to have more stabilized friendships but rather my limited time available to those stabilized friendships that I already have.  I have two best friends that I spend the majority of my time with and until school ends, I do not foresee many opportunities to get to know more people.  I really enjoy meeting new people and mingling in social situations so I look forward to graduating and being able to have enough time to go out and be social again.  Although it was a somber realization, it really makes me appreciate those stabilized friends I do have.  Personally, I would rather have 5 stabilized friends than 1,000 moving towards relationship friends.

My Best Friend Dynamics

My best friend Barbie and I have been through many ups and downs together. There were times where our friendship was so strained that it almost snapped twice…  We have been best friends for almost 10 years now and we have invested a lot of time crying, laughing, and loving one another completely unconditionally.  I once told her after she went through a bad breakup that although he was her heart and it was now broken, I would always be her lungs and I would help get her through that horrible time.  Going through so many happy, heartbroken, and challenging times has allowed us to grow together and trust one another.  We have also hurt one another- sometimes intentionally but mostly unintentionally.  These challenging times allowed us to grow together because giving one another grace allowed us to begin to trust one another again and realize that we should not let little things ruin the beautiful relationship we have.  I think that the dynamics of our friendship are absolutely consistent with those identified by researchers in this chapter.  She tells me when I am messing up and her calling me out really grants huge amounts of respect from me.  I can honestly say that she is the most honest, caring, and supportive person in my life and I will forever love her unconditionally.  Forget best friends forever, she is my sister for life!

The Friendship Page and the Friendship Chapter

Many of the issues provided in the advice forum reflect not only pressures on friendships but also cover the fundamentals of relationships.  Some of the challenges on the prompt website include acceptance of sexual orientation, dealing with friendship dilemmas and arguments, dealing with feelings you may have developed for a friend you have, and making and keeping friends.  The book has very helpful guidance and information regarding understanding feelings of acceptance, trust, and support as well as understanding the different stages of friendships and how to identify what stages a friend may currently stand with you in a relationship.  Reading the section dealing with internal and external pressures could also provide guidance to those dealing with understanding what one could do to be a better friend (in the internal section) with my favorites being communicating honestly and engaging in dual perspective, as well as identifying what external factors to be aware of that could impact your friendships including competing demands, personal changes, and geographic distance.

Relational Dialetics

For my weekly freebie, I have decided to write on relational dialectics.  Relational dialectics are continuous tensions or opposing forces that are normal in relationships (Wood, 2013).  I found this topic interesting because I think everyone at some point have felt these tensions and either felt like the relationship would end because of it or ended the relationship because of the constant “bickering.”

            The three relational dialectics that have been identified by researchers are autonomy/connection, novelty/predictability, and openness/closedness.  Autonomy/connection is the feeling of needing to be independent and have an individual identity vs. the desire to spend time sharing oneself with the other partner.  This is the number one continuous struggle for most couples.  Novelty/predictability is the feeling of needing to introduce new stimuli into a relationship vs. the need to have a structured existence that provides security.  It is trying to keep things exciting and fun in a relationship while maintaining the balance of a routine as well.  Openness/closedness is the conflicting desire of openly communicating and needing privacy.  Complete openness would be intolerable and needing privacy doesn’t mean the relationship is failing.  It just means that, as with all things, balance is best.

Dealing with Disagreement

I once found myself in metacommunication with a boyfriend in regards to a conversation in which he told a friend on the phone in front of me that he was hanging out with his mom the rest of the day when he actually was planning on spending the day with me.  When I asked him about the discrepancy, he told me that he had felt it necessary to tell him that so that his friend didn’t feel like he didn’t want to spend time with him, but rather that he lead his friend to believe that he had previous family obligations.  I told him that no matter what, either his friend or I was going to be hurt by this kind of dishonesty in the end.  I explained that I felt that the fact that he couldn’t be honest with his friends about hanging out with me downplayed our relationship.  I now see that I felt discredited in his eyes in comparison to his friends; either that I was not good enough for them or that maybe he didn’t like me enough to “own” me in front of them.

                I think that the initial way my boyfriend at the time responded was not bad.  He used I-Language and he eventually did admit that he was sheltering his friend from the loss of time he chose to spend with me.  The fact that he responded with I-Language allowed me to lower my defenses and take the risk of explaining how I felt, which led us to understand one another’s point of views better.  This experience also revealed to him my need for absolute honesty, even from “white” lies.  Looking back from my perspective, I see that the strategy he utilized was what injured me in his conversation with his friend.

Levels of Confirmation

Depending on the situation and the persistence of the person who I find myself in conflict with, I usually do not find it difficult to confirm others when I find myself in disagreement with them if I like them.  I have, however, experienced situations where I have been absolutely unable to confirm others; trying to be as rude, hurtful, and completely disrespectful of another human being as I possibly could as I communicated with them.  In these rare times, I feel that I usually deny endorsement first, acknowledgement second, and recognition third.

                Although similar, confirming and endorsing are different ideas.  An example of someone confirming another, yet not endorsing their ideas could be seen from an experience I recently had with one of my younger sisters.  My mother revealed to me her concerns regarding my sister’s underage drinking she has seen on weekends.  As I regularly play mediator between my sister’s bad behavior and my mother’s temper, I called my sister to discuss her side of the story.  She informed me that she indeed had been getting falling-down drunk but that it was okay because she was with friends and she was old enough to worry about herself.  I told her that she was a strong girl but then I told her that statistically 1 in 5 girls get raped in the U.S. and that it usually occurred when young ladies were overly intoxicated.  We had a conversation about her actions and I expressed my concern for her safety which confirmed her as an individual without endorsing her underage alcohol consumption.

Free Choice Post

The concept that I have decided to write about this week is about not owning feelings.  I chose this concept because it really reminded me of an exercise we did in a mediation class that has forever changed my interpersonal relationships in a positive manner.  The exercise included clearing communication by utilizing the template: I feel                 , when                           , because                        , and I need you to                    .  When I read the section about not owning feelings, I realized that this is a huge problem that many people are unable to even realize that they have.  I may not have even realized this was a good route if I had never taken the mediation class in the first place.

Owning feelings and being able to communicate clearly about what one feels and what one needs is essential in maintaining good relationships.  The same statement used for mediation above works to own your feelings.  No matter the method, it is important to accept responsibility for your feelings, attempt to communicate what you feel clearly, and try to offer a well thought out solution that is mutually satisfying, meeting needs of both parties.

Fallacies

It was a huge shocker to find that as I was reviewing the fallacies section, I suffered from perfectionism.  Or rather I should say that I temporarily find myself looking at events and myself from this perspective.  For clarification, perfectionism includes the typical effects of an unrealistically low self-concept, high levels of stress, chronic dissatisfaction with self, and jealousy and envy of others (Wood, 2013).  It is not like I sit at home and think about how imperfect I am, however, I have realized that I tend to hold higher than average expectations for myself to look and perform.  For example, I spend hours pouring over a paper before I feel it is okay to turn in, even though it is nothing more than a short essay.  Or I spend an hour and a half picking what to wear before a date even though we are planning on going to dinner and a movie.

When it comes to intrapersonal communication, I tend to be very hard on myself.  I have gotten better over the past few years, however I still catch myself comparing my performance and outer shell to those others.  I think that anyone can improve their intrapersonal communication by first improving their self-talk.  Saying things like, “I’m not pretty enough,” or “I’m not smart enough” can severely cripple someone’s thoughts about themselves.  In order to break this cycle, you literally need to retrain your thought process.  When you catch yourself saying things like this to yourself, stop and correct your negativity.  Attempt to find the source of it.  Are you having a bad day?  Are you hungry?  Are you overly-tired or angry about something else perhaps?  Maybe you think someone is thinking bad about you?  Realize that just because a thought crossed your mind, it is not fact and you have the right to over-right non-truths in your mind.

Perspectives on Emotions

I think that the perspective on emotion that made the most sense to me in chapter 7 was the Cognitive Labeling View of Emotions.  I thought this perspective made the most sense as I felt that the Perceptual View of Emotions was interesting, but it counted for a perception of the event which may not be as accurate in defining both males and females.  Men tend to read events from a practical perspective and women from an emotional one, which I feel makes women more of a variable in this perspective.  The Interactive View of Emotions I also found interesting and accounted for cultural differences, but one thing I felt necessary to challenge is that sometimes you can’t change how you feel about something.  Or rather I should say that you can, but it can take years and even therapy so I don’t think “emotional work” always works.

The Cognitive Labeling View of Emotions I felt balanced a response of emotion for both men and women as well as making people really consider and identify exactly what emotion they are feeling.  Sometimes I get really upset and angry with my boyfriend when he tells me he is going to stop by my house and he last minute changes his plans.  It took him a long time to understand that when he does this, the angry feelings are not necessarily being angry but come from by being hurt.  I had to sit him down and explain to him that when he tells me he will be somewhere, I wait for him and turn down other people’s offers to hang out.  His cancelling feels like he has just found something better to do and that hurts me.  The resulting are disappointment, a disrespected feeling for my time, and my feeling as if I slipped as a priority to him.  After communicating this to him, he could better see my standpoint and be more careful in future to avoid this personal trigger of mine.

Language and Perception

Usually, when I think of someone, a secondary word comes into my mind that I identify with that person.  This can be useful at times when those words hold positive connotations such as smart, helpful, hard-working, etc.  However, when the word is of a more negative connotation such as lazy, disruptive, slow, etc. come to mind, that can be harmful and possibly inaccurate in my perception of that individual. 

Being a manager, I have many words that are initially associated with different individuals.  One day, I read something about being aware of what box you put people.  To clarify, there are two boxes that people may be placed in: a good box or a bad box.  Once someone is placed in a good box, they are usually thought of in positive terms, even when they do something bad.  For example, if someone was tardy to work, one may rationalize it away by saying to oneself, “They are never late,” or “They must have had a good reason,” or “They are usually a hard worker.”  In comparison, if someone from your bad box is late, you automatically think, “This person is always late,” “This person is worthless,” or “How does this person even stay employed?” Once someone has been placed, they cannot get out of their box unless the person managing the boxes consciously makes the effort to see that individual in a new light.

This box idea is basically the same idea that language can shape our perception.  Certain observed aspects of a person are brought to the forefront of our attention and latched on to, negating all other possible aspects of the person that could be present.  We proceed to interact with that person based on our initial perception analysis.

After consciously managing my theory of good and bad boxes, I realized that I had indeed built up preconceived notions of people in my head which allowed me to manage them in a more or less patient manner.  After about two weeks of conscious observing and managing, I realized that I had indeed misplaced many individuals and I found a new appreciation for them.  As I commented on how well they were doing, it elevated their confidence and built a stronger team atmosphere.  This allowed for a better work environment all around.

Hate Speech and Censorship

Hate speech, according to the Free Speech Museum’s page, occur when one speaks of another’s ideas or being while lacking humility, tolerance, and optimism.  There are two basic reasons why people are intolerant and inconsiderate of others: disagreement of ideas or disagreement of interests.  Usually, interests are the driving force when it comes to policy decision making and that influences the way that one may process ideas.  Those with agendas in interests, those committed to a battling of ideas, and or those lacking humility, tolerance, and optimism are usually the ones that engage in hate speech activity.

Efforts to regulate free speech on the Web have been denied on the basis of the 1^st Amendment, which basically states that Congress is unable to infringe upon America’s freedom of speech.  This means that the government is unable to censor expressed opinions. Free Speech Museum’s page brings up the idea that, although we are technically protected from our government, we may be less protected by our fellow citizens who may take offense to or disagree with what we are stating.  I believe that if we made interested citizens of age register to participate in online hate groups, that would limit the grounds that would be available to people that would partake in hate speech.  I don’t think we will ever be able to eliminate hate speech as there is always going to be some negative belief about any topic you bring up because everyone is raised differently and holds different values.  Rather than promoting a group of “haters” of something, perhaps we could create a place within the group being disliked to have these issues brought up and discussed which would show maturity, respect, tolerance, and humility.  The fact that someone would be willing to partake in an intelligent discussion shows optimism in itself as it shows a desire for common ground and understanding.

There is no real option for censorship on the Internet as it would violate freedom of speech.  I think that besides making a formal request of a person of group, people are either going to be considerate of others views or object to another’s rights of expression, period.  All ideas, even those of intolerance, may spark an intelligent thought or conversation that could grow an individual.  I think that adults should not go looking to sensor their lives.  Censorship for adults is a way to put blinders on and not pay attention to what is going on around you in the real world. 

Taking this one step further, when it comes to the censorship and children, I believe it is a parent’s job to monitor Internet usage to censor what it is their children are able to see or not see.  Outside of the Internet, I think that a parent should do as much as they can to shelter their children from things that could negatively impact them as adults (depending on what age they are, violence, rape scenes, sex, pornography, extreme anger, etc.).  If children see something that may have upset them, parents need to hold open dialogue with the child to discuss what they believe they saw, how they should interpret it, why it happened in the first place, and how the child should feel regarding the event that took place.