Relational Dialetics

For my weekly freebie, I have decided to write on relational dialectics.  Relational dialectics are continuous tensions or opposing forces that are normal in relationships (Wood, 2013).  I found this topic interesting because I think everyone at some point have felt these tensions and either felt like the relationship would end because of it or ended the relationship because of the constant “bickering.”

            The three relational dialectics that have been identified by researchers are autonomy/connection, novelty/predictability, and openness/closedness.  Autonomy/connection is the feeling of needing to be independent and have an individual identity vs. the desire to spend time sharing oneself with the other partner.  This is the number one continuous struggle for most couples.  Novelty/predictability is the feeling of needing to introduce new stimuli into a relationship vs. the need to have a structured existence that provides security.  It is trying to keep things exciting and fun in a relationship while maintaining the balance of a routine as well.  Openness/closedness is the conflicting desire of openly communicating and needing privacy.  Complete openness would be intolerable and needing privacy doesn’t mean the relationship is failing.  It just means that, as with all things, balance is best.

Dealing with Disagreement

I once found myself in metacommunication with a boyfriend in regards to a conversation in which he told a friend on the phone in front of me that he was hanging out with his mom the rest of the day when he actually was planning on spending the day with me.  When I asked him about the discrepancy, he told me that he had felt it necessary to tell him that so that his friend didn’t feel like he didn’t want to spend time with him, but rather that he lead his friend to believe that he had previous family obligations.  I told him that no matter what, either his friend or I was going to be hurt by this kind of dishonesty in the end.  I explained that I felt that the fact that he couldn’t be honest with his friends about hanging out with me downplayed our relationship.  I now see that I felt discredited in his eyes in comparison to his friends; either that I was not good enough for them or that maybe he didn’t like me enough to “own” me in front of them.

                I think that the initial way my boyfriend at the time responded was not bad.  He used I-Language and he eventually did admit that he was sheltering his friend from the loss of time he chose to spend with me.  The fact that he responded with I-Language allowed me to lower my defenses and take the risk of explaining how I felt, which led us to understand one another’s point of views better.  This experience also revealed to him my need for absolute honesty, even from “white” lies.  Looking back from my perspective, I see that the strategy he utilized was what injured me in his conversation with his friend.

Levels of Confirmation

Depending on the situation and the persistence of the person who I find myself in conflict with, I usually do not find it difficult to confirm others when I find myself in disagreement with them if I like them.  I have, however, experienced situations where I have been absolutely unable to confirm others; trying to be as rude, hurtful, and completely disrespectful of another human being as I possibly could as I communicated with them.  In these rare times, I feel that I usually deny endorsement first, acknowledgement second, and recognition third.

                Although similar, confirming and endorsing are different ideas.  An example of someone confirming another, yet not endorsing their ideas could be seen from an experience I recently had with one of my younger sisters.  My mother revealed to me her concerns regarding my sister’s underage drinking she has seen on weekends.  As I regularly play mediator between my sister’s bad behavior and my mother’s temper, I called my sister to discuss her side of the story.  She informed me that she indeed had been getting falling-down drunk but that it was okay because she was with friends and she was old enough to worry about herself.  I told her that she was a strong girl but then I told her that statistically 1 in 5 girls get raped in the U.S. and that it usually occurred when young ladies were overly intoxicated.  We had a conversation about her actions and I expressed my concern for her safety which confirmed her as an individual without endorsing her underage alcohol consumption.

Free Choice Post

The concept that I have decided to write about this week is about not owning feelings.  I chose this concept because it really reminded me of an exercise we did in a mediation class that has forever changed my interpersonal relationships in a positive manner.  The exercise included clearing communication by utilizing the template: I feel                 , when                           , because                        , and I need you to                    .  When I read the section about not owning feelings, I realized that this is a huge problem that many people are unable to even realize that they have.  I may not have even realized this was a good route if I had never taken the mediation class in the first place.

Owning feelings and being able to communicate clearly about what one feels and what one needs is essential in maintaining good relationships.  The same statement used for mediation above works to own your feelings.  No matter the method, it is important to accept responsibility for your feelings, attempt to communicate what you feel clearly, and try to offer a well thought out solution that is mutually satisfying, meeting needs of both parties.

Fallacies

It was a huge shocker to find that as I was reviewing the fallacies section, I suffered from perfectionism.  Or rather I should say that I temporarily find myself looking at events and myself from this perspective.  For clarification, perfectionism includes the typical effects of an unrealistically low self-concept, high levels of stress, chronic dissatisfaction with self, and jealousy and envy of others (Wood, 2013).  It is not like I sit at home and think about how imperfect I am, however, I have realized that I tend to hold higher than average expectations for myself to look and perform.  For example, I spend hours pouring over a paper before I feel it is okay to turn in, even though it is nothing more than a short essay.  Or I spend an hour and a half picking what to wear before a date even though we are planning on going to dinner and a movie.

When it comes to intrapersonal communication, I tend to be very hard on myself.  I have gotten better over the past few years, however I still catch myself comparing my performance and outer shell to those others.  I think that anyone can improve their intrapersonal communication by first improving their self-talk.  Saying things like, “I’m not pretty enough,” or “I’m not smart enough” can severely cripple someone’s thoughts about themselves.  In order to break this cycle, you literally need to retrain your thought process.  When you catch yourself saying things like this to yourself, stop and correct your negativity.  Attempt to find the source of it.  Are you having a bad day?  Are you hungry?  Are you overly-tired or angry about something else perhaps?  Maybe you think someone is thinking bad about you?  Realize that just because a thought crossed your mind, it is not fact and you have the right to over-right non-truths in your mind.

Perspectives on Emotions

I think that the perspective on emotion that made the most sense to me in chapter 7 was the Cognitive Labeling View of Emotions.  I thought this perspective made the most sense as I felt that the Perceptual View of Emotions was interesting, but it counted for a perception of the event which may not be as accurate in defining both males and females.  Men tend to read events from a practical perspective and women from an emotional one, which I feel makes women more of a variable in this perspective.  The Interactive View of Emotions I also found interesting and accounted for cultural differences, but one thing I felt necessary to challenge is that sometimes you can’t change how you feel about something.  Or rather I should say that you can, but it can take years and even therapy so I don’t think “emotional work” always works.

The Cognitive Labeling View of Emotions I felt balanced a response of emotion for both men and women as well as making people really consider and identify exactly what emotion they are feeling.  Sometimes I get really upset and angry with my boyfriend when he tells me he is going to stop by my house and he last minute changes his plans.  It took him a long time to understand that when he does this, the angry feelings are not necessarily being angry but come from by being hurt.  I had to sit him down and explain to him that when he tells me he will be somewhere, I wait for him and turn down other people’s offers to hang out.  His cancelling feels like he has just found something better to do and that hurts me.  The resulting are disappointment, a disrespected feeling for my time, and my feeling as if I slipped as a priority to him.  After communicating this to him, he could better see my standpoint and be more careful in future to avoid this personal trigger of mine.